There are several things I genuinely love about being an introvert: 1) I know how to handle myself both in your best or worst days without bugging other people; 2) I frequently find things I didn’t know I have with, in, or near me; 3) I felt loved and pampered by myself, which again, makes me love myself even more. Those happened within the last two weeks.
Eventually, after countless of heartbreaks, disappointments, unmet expectations, and yet another cyclothymia episodes, I gave up and locked myself in my room for days—only coming out for necessities and appointments with some inner social circle. And what am I doing inside? I am proud to say this: a lot.
I had finished almost all of my assignments, watched some films, called my best friend who is on the other side of the Java island, listened and jammed to all kinds of songs with James (my guitar), written new poems, which all led me to this post.
First, the binge-watch part. I decided to catch up on some series, including the latest show from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why. Frankly, 13 Reasons Why was not as spectacular as I expected. As someone who has pretty hardcore moodswings, even in my depressive episode, I don’t do the things Hannah does. I don’t put prejudice and throw blame to other people because that’s just not how depression works, at least on me. And come on, Hannah, don’t you think you’re stressing Clay much? Making him anxious for a number of episodes just to tell him he doesn’t deserve to be on the tapes? Drama queen. Although the depiction of society’s reaction towards rape or sexual harassment is way too accurate.
Later, I watched three whole seasons of a Norwegian TV Series, Skam, and got hooked on Noora. She has a lot in common with me—an only child who now has to take care of herself, an aspiring journalist, and a feminist. She taught me that being in a relationship doesn’t make me less of a female being, and that I should be okay and secure in my own skin. All of my quirks and interests shouldn’t limit me of being in love with someone.
Next one: Christian Ditter’s How to Be Single. I can relate to Alice on so many levels. The hopeless romantic, ‘I-can’t-stand-being-single’ attitude, it hit me so many times while I was watching the whole thing. By the end, I learnt that being alone is okay. It’s an opportunity to discover things about yourself and doing what you want and/or need to do. Getting into a relationship is a choice, and ideally should be done when you are happy instead of perceiving a relationship as a way to be happy.
Second part: calling my best friend. She’s attending the Visual Communication Design program in a uni in Surabaya, and we’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten which means… a dozen of years, more or less. The call lasted almost 5 hours. Yep. Five. Two films would probably sufficed if they were squeezed into the span of the call. The call replenishes me, really. I missed her and my hometown, and hearing from her makes me feel way better.
Third, music. James had been a real help. I literally brought him all the way here because I couldn’t stand the idea of not having any musical instruments with me. Hence, after breaking the strings post-flight, no nights here have been wasted without me touching my guitar. Whenever I pick him up and sing tunes like Katelyn Tarver’s, or Taylor Swift’s nonmainstream ones, Tanner Patrick’s covers, etc. my heart felt at ease.
Not only that, though. I listened to Justin Bieber and Halsey’s The Feeling and realised maybe I have been falling in love with the idea of being in love, not the person itself. Katelyn Tarver’s Love Me Again reminded me to find someone who can be there even in my darkest days. Troye Sivan’s Heaven reminded me to be okay for having completely different principles and wants. The list goes on, I can’t remember what songs gave me some enlightenment.
Lastly, poems. Maybe I’ll post them later, when I got the time (and hopefully, I won’t forget to post them).
So… to end this post, I hope I can find more about myself. And to you, who unbelievably reads this post til the end, I just want to say: be your own reason to be happy. No one will take that happiness from you because… well, it’s you. Cheers!