introversion;

There are several things I genuinely love about being an introvert: 1) I know how to handle myself both in your best or worst days without bugging other people; 2) I frequently find things I didn’t know I have with, in, or near me; 3) I felt loved and pampered by myself, which again, makes me love myself even more. Those happened within the last two weeks.

Eventually, after countless of heartbreaks, disappointments, unmet expectations, and yet another cyclothymia episodes, I gave up and locked myself in my room for days—only coming out for necessities and appointments with some inner social circle. And what am I doing inside? I am proud to say this: a lot.

I had finished almost all of my assignments, watched some films, called my best friend who is on the other side of the Java island, listened and jammed to all kinds of songs with James (my guitar), written new poems, which all led me to this post.

First, the binge-watch part. I decided to catch up on some series, including the latest show from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why. Frankly, 13 Reasons Why was not as spectacular as I expected. As someone who has pretty hardcore moodswings, even in my depressive episode, I don’t do the things Hannah does. I don’t put prejudice and throw blame to other people because that’s just not how depression works, at least on me. And come on, Hannah, don’t you think you’re stressing Clay much? Making him anxious for a number of episodes just to tell him he doesn’t deserve to be on the tapes? Drama queen. Although the depiction of society’s reaction towards rape or sexual harassment is way too accurate.

Later, I watched three whole seasons of a Norwegian TV Series, Skam, and got hooked on Noora. She has a lot in common with me—an only child who now has to take care of herself, an aspiring journalist, and a feminist. She taught me that being in a relationship doesn’t make me less of a female being, and that I should be okay and secure in my own skin. All of my quirks and interests shouldn’t limit me of being in love with someone.

Next one: Christian Ditter’s How to Be Single. I can relate to Alice on so many levels. The hopeless romantic, ‘I-can’t-stand-being-single’ attitude, it hit me so many times while I was watching the whole thing. By the end, I learnt that being alone is okay. It’s an opportunity to discover things about yourself and doing what you want and/or need to do. Getting into a relationship is a choice, and ideally should be done when you are happy instead of perceiving a relationship as a way to be happy.

Second part: calling my best friend. She’s attending the Visual Communication Design program in a uni in Surabaya, and we’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten which means… a dozen of years, more or less. The call lasted almost 5 hours. Yep. Five. Two films would probably sufficed if they were squeezed into the span of the call. The call replenishes me, really. I missed her and my hometown, and hearing from her makes me feel way better.

Third, music. James had been a real help. I literally brought him all the way here because I couldn’t stand the idea of not having any musical instruments with me. Hence, after breaking the strings post-flight, no nights here have been wasted without me touching my guitar. Whenever I pick him up and sing tunes like Katelyn Tarver’s, or Taylor Swift’s nonmainstream ones, Tanner Patrick’s covers, etc. my heart felt at ease.

Not only that, though. I listened to Justin Bieber and Halsey’s The Feeling and realised maybe I have been falling in love with the idea of being in love, not the person itself. Katelyn Tarver’s Love Me Again reminded me to find someone who can be there even in my darkest days. Troye Sivan’s Heaven reminded me to be okay for having completely different principles and wants. The list goes on, I can’t remember what songs gave me some enlightenment.

Lastly, poems. Maybe I’ll post them later, when I got the time (and hopefully, I won’t forget to post them).

So… to end this post, I hope I can find more about myself. And to you, who unbelievably reads this post til the end, I just want to say: be your own reason to be happy. No one will take that happiness from you because… well, it’s you. Cheers!

 

 

89632 feet deep;

i am as deep as an unexplored ocean,my eyes hid secrets from the sunlight,
and my heart’s a creature everyone fears.

so i dare you,
to come dive
into unforgiving world of mine,
and not coming back to see the lands.

                                         —c.l.

an impromptu business;

   [ 10 April 2017 ]

This is a last minute birthday present for my aunt.
I just remembered her birthday before going to the evening Palm Sunday Holy Mass. She asked me when my Monday class will end, and if I will be able to make it to her house before 6 PM. She has been a real help for me in this city, so I returned the favour by saying I could drop by before dinner to celebrate her birthday.
Long story short, everything I do here, is completely spontaneous.
I stopped by at a mall to buy a nice frame and coloured paper then continued to make the card in the frame until midnight by hand. The next morning, I rolled the rose petals and set the frame as depicted in the picture while selling food for a campus event fundraising and finishing another assignment at the same time.
So yeah, the result is satisfying enough for a last minute gift.
{{ FAQ: 71st birthday? Are you sure it’s not your grandmother?

{{ A: You didn’t read it wrong—she’s my mum’s older cousin.

Hephaestus;

“How was your day?” he asked, handing me a piece of shattered glass on the floor. I raised an eyebrow on his unusually generous gesture, but deliberately accepted the chunk anyway. 

“Um, fine.” Careful, I thought to myself whilst gazing at the sharp edges. My eyes averted the glass shards and turned to him. “How about you? Did you get to reach your best friends for a weekend getaway?”

His head shook weakly, although his lips formed a slight crooked smile before he looked down on to clean up the mess.

“They’ve been busy.”

“Ah, that’s really unfortunate.”

He dragged another three to his sides and started gluing them together. At the same moment, I squeezed out the sticky substance around the edges and connected it to another piece.

“This is like solving a puzzle.” he muttered to himself and stared at my unmoving hand which held yet another glass glimmering under the dim light. I couldn’t tell what expression he had when he saw me—was it joy? Or mesmerised? Absolutely nothing at all? He was like a dead language—hard to read, but beautiful. The light began to move and framed his eyes.

“Hand those to me. I don’t want you to injure your fingers. You would get insane if you cannot touch the piano.”

It was worry.

(Inside, I was completely happy to hear that.)

It only took him several minutes to finish the work while I fidget with his sleeve in mischief. He grabbed my arm, cupped my hand, and put a slightly cold, hard but sleek-surfaced thing on my palm.

“Be careful next time”

It was then when realised.
In my hand, lain a fixed glass with a pointy end, glowing like it keeps a flock of fireflies within the now invisible cracked edge—my own heart.
                                           – c.l.

scariest thing;

i figure,

the scariest thing is

finding someone who

fills every spaces

even in

your most crooked crevices

with the thought

of not being their other half

                                — c.l.

break;

“If I weren’t a human being,” her lips were trembling. Trembling with fear, fear of whatever comes next as his answer. “… what would I be?”

The man gave her a funny look. He chuckled and stroked her hair lovingly, gently pushing her towards him even closer. Why would she ask a frivolous question attesting his means?

“You would be my promises.”

(That was a year ago, before he realised he couldn’t keep her as his own promises.)